February 12, 2001
Dear Francis Lucille,
Am so looking forward to your arrival in March. I have watched your tapes and have enjoyed the interaction and wisdom. I do have a question that I feel drawn to ask.
I have been experiencing what I will call, a Divine Flow, as direct physical experience. It seems to puddle in my heart yet moves equally throughout my body. If I were a musician, I would call it a song. It is the background canvas to my daily life. When I put my attention on it, by in effect doing nothing, it reveals itself more fully.
In the past, I have wondered if keeping my attention on this Flow would sustain it in my experience. Yet, this Flow now seems to bump me into recognition. If I wander into the past or the future, I feel a pulse or a bump and again I am filled with this Unbounded Flow. It reminds me at the end of a sentence or thought. Truly a blessing!
Life has become steadily easier and effortless as this sense of Flow has become more and more “foreground” in my life. Lately, from my reading or from listening to tapes, I have reaffirmed the intellectual understanding that Consciousness flows undisturbed behind and between all the activities of the small ‘me’ or mind. This seems to ring true to my experience.
But, to fully experience this Consciousness or Infinite Awareness, the ‘me’ or body-mind has to be dropped. I have the intuitive experience that I haven’t dropped this ‘me-ness.’
So, I started investigating this ‘me-ness’ by asking myself, “Is there a ‘me’ here?” or “Where is ‘me’ in all this?” Immediately, I felt the answer, “No ‘me,’ just the Unbounded Flow.” I would laugh at the question as if it were ridiculous to even ask it. But, I felt a hint of arrogance to the answer.
Still, I was struck by the question. I asked it a lot. Checking to see if my answer was different. It felt like if I really investigated the question, I would find that I was hiding a lie: That I would find a ‘me’ there. But I felt blocked from going further and really looking for this ‘me,’ happy for the answer I was receiving.
Yesterday the thought came up again. “Is there a ‘me’ in this experience of this Divine Flow?” I asked the question with utmost sincerity, ready to lay this to rest. I was willing to know.
The immediate experience was yes, there is a ‘me’ here. So, I asked, how can there be a ‘me’ here in this Unboundedness? For a moment there was silence and then it struck me. The experience and the understanding came simultaneously. This ‘me’ is just a thought. Just like all the other thoughts I was having. No different. Just a thought. ‘Me’ had the same texture as a thought, the same tonal quality. Not any more real than any other thought.
I burst out laughing. What a relief. What an insight. I laughed so hard.
So, my question comes down to this. As a thought, this ‘me-thought’ seems to be a powerful one. I feel like a split personality. Within the Unbounded, I have no desires, they seem to fall away. This moment becomes center stage. Nothing is needed, nothing is gained. No question is interesting. No desires are appealing.
And yet, there is a longing for total surrender. A desire to let go of my small self; release any recognition of this body; give away anything that is bound. I prostrate myself to this Grace. Yet, who is asking this question? Who is desiring these results? Certainly not this Unboundedness as it needs nothing to complete it. Is it this ‘me-ness’ asking? But, this thought is unreal. And yet the longing persists. And in this question, the ‘me-ness’ persists.
I hope you can unravel this for me. I am sorry, if I have not been very clear in my question.
Thank you for your illumination of this Divinity.
Letters to the Universe 