July 9, 2022
The unknowable schism between the Divine and me, comes unbidden and often sudden. It’s the recognition that there is No God, all is empty inside.
Like a sword pressed from the front, it carves a space directly through the heart and reverberates throughout my whole Being. What remains is deep, unfathomable emptiness, its trajectory points in all directions. Nothing can touch it. Nothing soothes.
When Grace leaves there is no bandage. It is a fear with no second. The temple bells of mystical life stop. When there is no God there is no breath.
With an immediate empty space where Grace abides, the rest of me comes crashing in. All the spiritual reading, the meditations, the clean food and spartan life can’t mitigate it or change it. This Aloneness comes for you when it comes for you.
I want to lay down on the ground, kick my feet, wrench my hands and sob. I am totally, effortlessly – Alone.
I am now the gladiator of my own existence until the empty crevasse I have become is once again graced by Love. There is no antidote.
I hold the space and wait. Silently surrendering to the pain. Although temporary, time stops and feels as if I have been waiting forever to be reunited. I search in vain for the path back where I will once again be one with God.
There is no such path. Grace comes when Grace comes. I know this to be true.
And as before I am always reunited.
Letters to the Universe 