December 20th, 2023
Hi Lucy,
It seems I am clutching to those outside to help ease the turmoil inside. After deep meditations and breakthroughs, I often come up for air just to have the dust-up of old patterns and samskaras there to greet me.
Each transcendent opening initiates its own house cleaning. Sometimes physical, but mostly emotional. The glory days of deep, inner exploration are often followed by hard landings.
Luckily, sporadically, these landings can be small, hard knocks or bumps along the journey and easily assimilated. Or the hidden stress comes up in one fell swoop and crashes into my serenity leaving me with a gasping sense of unease and clutching.
At these times I look out and find something to cling to – a reading, a philosophy, a person that I can focus on to mitigate the pain of unknowing, the swirl of tragedy unfolding within.
But, it doesn’t stick, or I don’t stick with that philosophy, with that person or that ideology. The salve of understanding, or focusing on something new slows the blood letting inside. Like a lollipop to stop the child from crying, I seek out other’s experience of sweetness in life that I don’t feel inside.
The saddest part is that if I could really commit…I mean really, really commit to completely walk a spiritual life like you have, I think in time the inner crazies would abate and my spiritual life would blossom.
But at this juncture – I am again at the crossroads. The road I know I will choose is the easier one which, in the end, will lead me back to where I am standing now.
Free will is a bitch.
Letters to the Universe 