Letters to the Universe

I have a secret.  I have a secret life.  No one knows.  Actually, no one really cares…I mean really.  Not in a bad way, it’s just that everyone has a life and that life takes up all their bandwidth.  I understand.  Which makes my secret all the more passionate. 

My secret life. My spiritual existence is more important than my real life. But nobody knows. They just don’t know.  I am pretty opposite on the outside of who I am on the inside. I am sure I am not alone in this.  From the outside it looks pretty milk-toasty, but a burning desire and deep passion resides on the inside. That I reserve for God.

I talk to God.  Yep, all the time. I especially thank God as often as possible.  I am thankful for the water from the well. I am grateful for the electricity. I appreciate all the infinite beings on my land. 

I love my land.  My land loves me.  All the Devas dance with me. Know me.  I know them. It didn’t take much. Just a desire to love them, and they loved me back.

But, I digress.

I have a secret life.  I once tried to tell my lover about this life.  I plucked up enough courage to tell him about what I thought was a profound experience. However, I picked the wrong time for him to hear it.  We got into bed, and I turned to him in the dark and announced that I had something to share.  He was open.  I started down that rocky road of trying to put words to my soul.  Expressing my insides.  I stopped.  Listened closely.  He was snoring. 

I knew then that this was supposed to be a secret.  Not his fault.  Mine for stepping over the line from secret to exposition.

I’ve only told one other person  She opened up first.  Her secret internal experience of God was much more profound.  More graphic and descriptive. It gave me permission to expose mine.  It was done in a way that held no sacrament, but a permission for exposure.  Just a decoding of experience to one who could go with me and I with her to the places that others dare not to tread…or even dream to tread. 

A sharing that happens only rarely. 

Thomas Merton said that as you deepen your experience with God, fewer people will be there to share it with. This companionship becomes increasingly rare. 

I am talking here about sharing to the level that there is no need to explain. When you find someone who truly understands that, grab hold.  They are priceless.

Fleming Conley